Strategies to support the survivor’s personal growth and independence while providing a safety net and protection:

One strategy that works well for giving and receiving advice is for the survivor to identify two people that they agree to trust – unconditionally. The survivor agrees to listen to their advice, even when they don’t agree with them (based on the survivor’s inconsistency to accurately assess and logically reason.) The survivor also agrees to ask their “trusts” for feedback whenever they disagree with the opinions or advice of others. Survivors agree to accept the conclusions and advice the “trusts” provide.

This arrangement provides a valuable resource for the survivor to help them accurately assess situations, make good decisions and respond appropriately. Survivors know that if they don’t respect and accept the recommendations of the “trusts” they will lose their help. The benefit of having two “trusts” is that it allows some protection from receiving unreasonable recommendations or poor advice. The survivor can go to both “trusts” with the same request and if they do not give similar feedback, call a conference to resolve it.

Survivors often believe they are capable of doing more than they are realistically capable of maintaining. Family members and professionals based on several reliable factors or because they want to protect the survivor from the disappointment of failure, assign a level of capability they believe is realistic for the survivor. Frequently the level of capability is somewhere in the middle of the two.

It is necessary to allow survivors the opportunity to stretch their limits…even to the point of failing. It is important for the survivor to come to their own conclusions about their limitations/capabilities, in order for healthy acceptance to take place. It is damaging to the self-esteem of a survivor when they feel others don’t believe in their potential and don’t support their desire to try something.

It is a painful process for those who care for the survivor to stand by and watch, because the survivor will repeat this pattern, looking to find something they can do which gives their life purpose. Resist the temptation to say, “I told you so” when things don’t turn out well, and instead find something positive to acknowledge  “I admire your courage” or “Your determination makes me proud.” Helping the survivor to identify and focus on what was gained or learned transforms the disappointment into a valuable experience and helps prevent repeat episodes.