Seek to Understand Contradicting Perspectives
The comments in this next section represent the most commonly expressed relationship desires and disappointments that Lois has personally experienced and observed.
The survivor craves for others to “understand” their confusion, frustrations, challenges, exhaustion and emotions which stem from living with a brain injury. The irony is that the survivor expects family members/caregivers and professionals to understand some things that they often don’t understand themselves, nor can easily communicate.
Another irony of brain injury…while survivors resent being labeled “brain-injured,” (and rightly so) survivors are quick to label others as “unknowing or uncaring.” Survivors offend family, friends and professionals by their accusations.
Family, friends and care-givers want to understand, and many try far more than the survivor recognizes. Realistically, no one can expect to fully understand something they have not personally experienced. Acknowledging the difference between “understanding the experience of living with a brain injury” and “being understanding of a person who lives with brain injury” can eliminate causing offense. A simple way to do this is by asking, “Help me to understand…”
It is common for the survivor to be self-centered and not fully recognize the impact their brain injury has on others, until later in their recovery. When appropriate, it is necessary for family members/care-givers to gently remind the survivor that they are not the only one who was been affected. Others are also doing their best to adjust to changes and manage their emotions.
Family members and care-givers face the same challenges as survivors…grief, confusion, frustrations, exhaustion and emotions…but on a different level. In addition, they must deal with the survivor’s issues, too. They also struggle with finding the correct balance of providing help without doing too much for the survivor and knowing where to set boundaries, to not allow the survivor to consume the life of their family/care-givers.
Both sides unknowingly offend one another with their actions and words. Survivors refuse to accept help or listen to advice. Family members and care-givers grow tired from running rescue missions and taking the brunt of the survivor’s misdirected anger. When the survivor continues to disregard family/care-giver advice or help, they risk being abandoned and losing a valuable resource.
