Creating a Family Legacy

Caregiving can be a very demanding activity. Sometimes we are so caught up in giving care that we forget to let the people we care for give back to us. You may be thinking "how can my frail, aged relative give to me at this point in their life?" One way is to let our family members help create a family history. Sharing a lifetime of memories and experiences can be very rewarding to the person you are caring for and it's a legacy your family can treasure for generations.

In our mobile society, the transmission of life experiences and family history from one generation to the other does not always occur. We may live apart and when we get together television and other entertainment can replace talking. If older people do not have a "listening ear" they often feel less useful and valued. If what they say is not "heard" they may become repetitive, waiting for someone to really focus and actively listen to what they say.

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Rona S. Bartelstone wrote recently in "Answers the Magazine for Adult Children of Aging Parents"*, that elders can give us a sense of history and roots, transmit values, and participate in the continuity of the family. If this happens, we begin to appreciate our background and feel connected to our past, even in this transient society.

There are several methods you can use to create a family history. You may want to choose one or do them all. If your life is very busy, these make good projects for family members that are school age children, young adults, or for the out-of-town relative that wants to help when they are visiting.

One way to jog memories is recording an interview on an audio or videotape. Your loved one can answer questions like those contained in the following outline. You can explore additional areas that you think apply to your family and skip things that are not relevant. Assure your family member that you're very interested in what they have to say and make sure they are comfortable and rested. Some people will need to do this in more than one session. Memories can be triggered by old photographs and looking at family heirlooms.

Start with giving your name, birth date and birthplace.

• What were you told about your birth?
• Who were the ancestors that you remember meeting or were told a lot about when you were a child?
• What are your earliest memories?
• Describe the house you lived in as a child, the room that was yours, and the things you liked best about them.
• What good times did you have? Trips? Holidays?
• Did you have a pet? What was its name?
• What games did you play? Describe them.
• Is there any event in this period that changed your life?
  
  

FAMILY LIFE WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP

• Describe the members of your family and your feelings about them.
• What were some of the things your family did as a group?
• What kind of values did your parents feel were important and how did they teach them to you?
• What religious observances were important to your family and how do they affect you today?
• Did any family members die when you were growing up and what do you remember about that?
• What family responsibilities did you have?

SCHOOL DAYS

• Where did you first attend school?
• Describe your school house.
• What were your favorite areas of study?
• Tell about some of your school friends and teachers?
• How far did you continue in your education and why did you stop when you did?
• What were some of the fads at that time?
• What did you do socially with school friends?
• What was the most important thing you learned from your education?

COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE

• How did you meet your future partner?
• Did you have special dates?
• How long after you knew her/him did you start making marriage plans?
• Do you remember the first time you met the in-laws?
• How did you ask her to marry you (he ask you to marry him)?
• Tell about the wedding day. Who was there? When? Where?
• Tell about the honeymoon.
• Where was your first home or apartment?
• Did you have children? Tell about them.
  

YOUR CAREER OR MAJOR LIFE WORK

• How did you get into your major life work? What was your first job in that field?
• How did you choose this particular work?
• What training did you have to prepare you for this work?
• What has been unique or special about your work experience? Place of work? Travel? People?
• What successes did you have? Did you have any failures?
• If you feel you have finished your life work, how would you evaluate it?
• If you had it to do over again, would you choose the same career?

MIDDLE AND LATER YEARS

• In what community services are you involved?
• What friends do you have? Are they the same ones with whom you grew up? What new friends have you made? How are they important to you?
• Did your life change when your children left home? What were these changes?
• If you have retired, how has this changed your life?
• What recreational activities do you enjoy at this stage of your life?
• What things have you learned through your experience that you would like to share with others?

If your family member does not feel comfortable being taped and still likes to write, you can ask them to answer the questions on paper. Some people create booklets with photocopies of family pictures included. Book stores also have fill in the blank family history books that can serve the same purpose.

Additionally, family photographs, heirlooms, and recipes can be assembled and shared as a method of passing on history and traditions. Use your creativity and you may think of other ways your family could create a legacy.

*Answers, The Magazine For Adult Children Of Aging Parents, Volume Two, Number Three, December 1993